The Streets: Putting the Turd in Saturday.

Seems like I'm spending Easter watching crappy movies. Against good advice I saw Step Up 2 and F-boy be right; It's pretty terrible. A nonsensical plot with nonsensical characters. Not a single thing made sense in that movie. And because I had nothing better to do today, here's an indepth recount of the film's "plot" points (with spoilers! oh no! Now you really don't need to watch the movie!):

Andy is the orphaned white girl who was raised by her mother's best friend; Ghetto Momma. Her name is Sarah, but it's really not important. Why? Because she's black. This movie, featuring hip-hop music, dance and culture, headlines a largely Caucasian cast, and decides to give a deft kick in the nuts to just about every minority it features. More on that later...

Anyway, Andy loves to dance. Or Crunk. Or convulse. I'm no expert but she seems the least talented dancer in the whole thing. I don't even think she did a flip in this movie. (Flips just impress me. Do a flip and you win in my book.)

It soon becomes apparent that moving spazmodically is the only thing Andy does. Apparently she's hopeless at everything else. She doesn't go to school or work she just dances. Hopeless. This upsets Ghetto Momma, and she also disapproves of this whole dance crew thing Andy's involved with. That's because in order to get ready for The Streets (this big hip-hop dance event), dance crews go around in public filming their performances, which include going mental on the train and tagging "The Streets" on subway walls. The media in the movie portrays hip-hop dancers like a terrorist plague. But arguably, anything Andy does is in this movie is an act of terrorism.

So Andy, the dancing terrorist that she is, must be sent to Texas for her unholy ways because Ghetto Momma thinks that's best. She promised Andy's dead White Momma that she'd take care of Andy. In every scene with Ghetto Momma she pretty much has to remind Andy that her mother is dead for some reason. It's weird.

Not liking the idea of Texas, Andy pisses off to some dance thing where she meets her successful (and white) dancer friend. He decides to help her out, challenging her to a dance off. If he wins she goes to the MSA dance school in town, if she wins she can do whatever the hell she wants... and end up in Texas? Yay? There's a thing with trampolenes which was okay. The Successful White Man Dancer Friend did some flips, one without the aid of a trampolene. Obviously he wins (because of the flips). Having served Andy, Successful White Man Dancer Friend sets Andy up with an Audition at MSA. And then he goes away without even having sex with her. Nothing in this movie makes sense.

At the audition, the judges are a soul sister devoid of any soul, some nameless guys and the school Director (who is a successful, white, retired ballerina-man). For some reason the Director's younger brother is there too. He's the one in the hoodie, because that signifies he's from Tha Hood, yo. Andy of course does some new fangled crazy crunking non-ballet audition, which Director Dickwad scoffs at, but somehow his brother Hoodie convinces Dick that her shit was, in fact, dope. They let her in. And she didn't even have to have sex with either of them.

Andy goes back to practice with her crew, but for some insane reason (no reason) she decides not to tell them about her Texas situation, or MSA.

The leader of the 410, a black guy unfortunately named Tuck, gets all pissed off at the crew because he's just a jerk. I don't know. I really don't get why Tuck is such a dick. Aren't all hip-hop dancers cool? Being the asshole that he is, Tuck decides the crew need to meet up every day at 4pm to practice, so that they don't suck at The Streets when the time comes. Uh... because he's hardcore?

Inevitably, Andy's school stuff messes up her meetings with the crew and she's booted by Tuckwit. (Apparently missing 1 non-dance related party and 1 single practice is enough.)
Why couldn't she just tell them about her situation? She has to lie about it because... because what? What's the reason? Because black people don't like school? WTF? They don't even try to convince Tuckwit to move the practice times or something. Andy's friends don't try to back her up (she told the two chicks in the crew about it). There's just a conflict manufactured out of nothing. We're supposed to sympathise with Andy's stupid smug little orphan girl story?

Yes, because the stars of the show are a bunch of white people and everyone else sucks. Seriously, there is something wrong with every non-caucasion character in this movie. The new crew Andy forms with Hoodie and other MSA classmates are from the stereotype school bus. The Asian chick speaks unfunny broken english, the Asian guy is good with computers and the single black dude on her crew has teeth so bad his nickname is Smiles because that's "ironic".
I've got nothing against stereotypes in movies, but these were half-arsed and not even funny. They don't even do anything of note besides being in the group. It's always the white characters that come up with the ideas and lead the charge. It was like they had them there because Andy needed to lead a motley band of losers for her crew and the best they could come up with for losers were year 7 joke punch lines.

The new MSA Crew upload a youtubey video of themselves performing in prep for The Streets, where they mess about like complete tools behind the 410 on camera without Tuck noticing. The climax of the "prank" video shows them going into Tuck's house and putting a dead fish into a grate on the floor. (???) When Tucktard sees this he chucks a complete spaz. (even smashes the computer, that's how much he dislikes fish) And because he's black he retailates with violence. He takes a couple of his crewmen out to the school, beats the shit out of Hoodie, the white male lead, and then they trash the school dance hall. For some reason 410 are totally evil now. Maybe because there aren't any white people in the crew no more.

Director Dickhead expels Andie (I just noticed I've been spelling it wrong but I'm not changing what I already typed so whatever, who cares), and warns that he'll also expel anyone else even thinking about participating in this crazy The Streets thing.

The day comes when The Streets is officially on. (the idea is you don't know when it happens, everyone just gets texted that it's on and you meet up) MSA crew are serving drinks at Director Dickhead's big investor performance thing, and Andie is sooking at home, all hope is lost and the evil 410 are gonna win. Until the MSA crew all realise Andie is the future leader of the free world because she brought all their sorry asses together, skip Dick's performance and meet up at Andie's to tell her just how much she pwns.

The end of the movie is mostly two big dances from the two main crews, and they're pretty cool. Director Dickhead is there for the last dance by MSA crew, sees Jesus, and decides hip-hop is tight so Andie is back in school. I think that's the end. Oh yeah, Cassie is in this movie. She's some side character at the school who Hoodie used to tap. She doesn't get much screen time and you never really see her dance, as she is not white. And she ends up liking this little annoying douche at the end of the movie for no readily apparent reason. Probably because he's white and looks like his parents could be rich. The two White Leads also mack, and presumably have many awesome white super babies who dominate society over their stupid ethnic slaves.

Good Friday to you

For absolutely no reason I've decided there should be at least 1 entry everyday on his thing. So here's today's. We're winning this war so far.

Speaking of winning... and how not to win... Roosters lost and so did Souths. Yeah...

Finally saw Jumper today. It was fun. Maybe I had low expectations but I liked watching it. Jumping is cool. Rachel Bilson is hot. Happy Easter.

Only good can come of this

Another productive work day. So I'm going to watch Step Up 2 some time over the weekend then. For... fun. And to spite you? I don't know. Maybe. Anyway, have you seen The Eye yet? That Alba movie. Probably the last pre-pregnant Alba movie ever. I don't get why some people reckon this getting-knocked-up thing will be bad for her career or whatever. My belief is that only good things can come from her becoming a hot momma; bigger boobs, maybe she'll quit smoking too. But she'll always be smoking. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.

Step Up 2: The Streets.

If I were allowed to swear on this thing I would - but obviously I can't - therefore what I am about to type is just a really really really nice way of putting that Step Up 2: The Streets was just total shit (besides the dancing).

First of all, the main character can't act, seems to be a try hard wanabe black gangster in the film, just crunks all the damn time showing no special moves and is just bloody annoying. Did I mention she can't act?

Moreover, she's in every bloody scene in this god damned movie - Its like the director wants to torture us by deliberately including her in every god damn thing - shes annoying enough as it is - she already is the main character.. lucky there was no toilet scenes with her doing a number 2.

The good thing about this movie (the only good thing) was the actual dancing - by the other people in the film - not the bloody main bloody character who can't act and thinks shes a black girl. Choreography and all that were good - well good to watch anyway.

Another good thing about the movie - but wasn't enough of was the inclusion of Cassie - she's hot for starters. She can dance, looks better than the main character (p.s. I am not gonna even bother to research her name coz its just not worth the time) and she can sing.. and shes just hot. Maybe if they swapped the main character with Cassie - I would be a lot nicer about this review.

So this has killed 10 minutes of my working time - hope you guys DON'T pay / download / burn this movie. If you're still interested in watching it - get it off a friend who can burn it for you. Watching this damn movie is enough time wasted in your life. However, having a whinge about it in a review seems more fun.


Best regards,


pLetch | Pro Movie Reviewer | Seriously

I like Raunchy Vixen Limbo

Nice. Speaking of which, you saw Step Up 2: the Streets recently. How did you rate it? Let's put something kinda interesting on this blog eh, like an opinion.